Inevitable Mommy Meltdown

The last year of our lives has been peddle to the metal, don't let off the gas, complete and total overdrive. We purchased a home, got a new puppy, and had a baby. So when I flipped my proverbial shit two days ago, it didn't really come as a surprise to my husband.

He has been suffering through 3rd shift for the last several months, Usually he's a wonderful, helping, attentive man who pitches in around the house and with the kids. However, this shift leaves me with a zombie shell of my husband who has left me feeling alone for the last 3 months as I juggle everything from sun up to hours past sun down by myself.

Thank goodness it's almost over!

A couple nights ago he woke up mid-evening when he really needs to be sleeping. Literally for the 14th night in a row the baby was crying endlessly no matter what I did and the 3rd day in a row Lena made her own dinner because I couldn't.

Through groggy eyes from him and teary eyes from me our conversation started simply...

Me to James: "I really need to talk to you."

James to me: "You need to stay home, don't you?"

Me to James: "I need to cut back... Before I completely lose my sanity."

When you look at Jean now, at 6 months, compared to when she was first born she appears to be a normal baby who's filled out nicely.

Overall, she's an extremely happy baby. 

We owe a lot of that to her being on medication for her infant reflux, but it's still a struggle EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. with her. 

I'm not certain that her current, shall we say quirks, are directly related to having reflux though. Honestly, I believe they have more to do with the bad habits she formed from having it back in the beginning when our original pediatrician told us repeatedly that she was just a "happy unhappy spitter." Looking back, I never really wrote more than the one post about this... Probably because Jean seriously practically never sleeps. 

Until now, I have never encountered an infant who can stay awake for 14 to 16 hours. On average, she will go through 2 week stretches of staying awake all day long, unless you're holding her, then the moment you set her down those beautiful blue eyes pop right open like one of those incredibly creepy vintage dolls. After about 2 to 2 1/2 weeks we'll usually get a day of reprieve from her sheer exhaustion before it starts all over again. 

On weekends, I can somewhat accommodate this and get her to sneak in 20 to 30 minute cat naps before half my body goes numb and I have to put her down. During the weekdays, I'm at work, so it's just not possible. I hate giving into her, but sometimes I just know she needs some form of a nap, no matter how small. 

Recently she has also added to her list not letting you out of her site even if she's in a good mood to start without crying. Seriously, I can't even pee without her whaling lately. This clearly is not working for me or for her daycare. The first month or so she was there she did well. Lately, when I pick her up they have greeted me every day with sugar coated reviews of her behavior that I can tell is starting to wear on them almost as much as it is on me. 

I feel like I'm in a constant state of fight or flight. I'm tired of being sick (going on 6 weeks now), I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of snapping at my wonderful understanding husband because at this point everything annoys me, and I'm extremely tired of being tired. At this point I'm popping pills for an endless list of ailments. Headache pills in the morning from lack of sleep and headache pills at night from the crying. Caffeine on a constant steady intake from approximately 5am to 10pm every day also due to sleep deprivation. Then more medication to help with the horrific stomachache I'm getting in the evening from the caffeine overload. Allergy meds, birth control (yeah, we don't need another any time soon), and a whole host of vitamins for all the sniffles, aches, and general pains. 

My mommy intuition tells me that the base of these issues lies with not having a set routine day in and day out. My husband's schedule rotates and therefore her schedule rotates. We can't afford to pay any more than we already are for daycare, so on his days off she has to be off and I think this is what's really messing her up.

Needless to say something just has to give. With my husband gratefully returning to second shift we have an option. I can go down to part-time. Yes it's going to sting, but if we have to give up money I'd rather it be for more time with our child than less. He can watch Jean in the morning and then I'll take over in the afternoon. We did it for a while when I first returned to work and it was the perfect arrangement for us and for her.  

That is provided my boss will allow it. Tomorrow will be when I talk to him and see what he says. If he's unwilling to work with me, you may see posts about starting a home daycare in the future.