The Good Wife's Guide - The Revised Addition

We women have fought for equality for decades. According to The History Channel, the fight for women's suffrage began back in the 1820's and 1830's. We women have rebelled against the "cult of womanhood" that defined a "true" woman as someone who is faithful, pious, and submissive to home and husband. To earn this equality we have marched, picketed, gone on hunger strikes, and our 1960's sisters will live in infamy for burning their bras.

Thanks to countless numbers of of surly motivated mamas we now enjoy the freedom to vote, the right to choose what we do with our own bodies, we have the ability to work outside our homes if we want, and one of my personal favorites... The right to wear pants. I am grateful each and every day for the ladies that paved our yellow brick road to conquering the American Emerald City.

However, I don't think the battle of the sexes will ever actually be over. I think every modern girl/woman has seen a copy of the 1955 Housekeeping Monthly article on how to be a "good wife." We may work just as hard as our men (sometimes harder) and yet the 1950's Housewife stereotype is still expected to be fulfilled in many ways... After you deposit your paycheck that is.

Well, I'll be the first one to tell you that I can't live up to these guidelines. I get annoyed when I see the gender stereotype rear it's ugly head in my home. Tonight was one of those nights and it got me thinking. So I've made a few modern revisions...

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready in time for his return. This is a way of letting him know you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed. 

I'm the last one home each day and my idea of "planning ahead" is having a bag of Tyson Chicken Nuggets sitting in the freezer. Don't feel like waiting 5 whole minutes for the microwave? Guess what, pop tarts are not just a breakfast food. Enjoy!

Okay, I admit that I'm pretty good friends with my crock pot, but not because I'm thinking of him or even the kids. Mostly it's because I'm thinking about the fact that I am sick and tired of being asked "What's for dinner?" before I can even get my shoes off. And the fact that I don't want to live on hamburgers and frozen pizza.

2. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Gay and interesting huh? That one's easy! I'll just break out the Zumba game for Xbox Kinect. I am blessed with the all the grace and elegance of a Fat Amy doing the mermaid dance.

If that fails to get a laugh and chase the boring out of his day, there's always my sarcastic wit to the rescue!

3. Be happy to see him.

Okay, he can keep that one. I am happy to see him. Except when he's asking "What's for dinner?"

4. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Says who?

Don't get me wrong, I'm interested in how his day went. But you can only hear about so many water tanks before it gets a little boring.

My story about the crazy customer that kept wishing me god's blessings a 1,000 times while he rambled on for half an hour about how we needed to replace his entire mile long driveway in the boon docks because he was not approved for a credit card and his car leaked oil on it is way more amusing.

Technically, wouldn't letting me talk first tackle the whole being gay and interesting requirement?

5. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

This one right here is what got under my skin tonight.

I've mentioned before that we live in the middle of nowhere and whenever he needs something from town, I'm expected to go with. No questions asked. On the rare occasion that I protest, he whines about it.

When I asked him to run into town with me this evening, by the look on his face, you would think I asked him to lick my toes for me or something.

God forbid he have to leave the house when he doesn't feel like it!

Question I shall. Always.

Until the day comes when he remembers to put his car payment in the mail without me reminding him for two weeks beforehand, setting out the checkbook, with the stamps on top... I am the master of this household thank you very much.

6. A good wife knows her place.

Indeed I do (see #5).

If you'd like to check out the full version of this article click here.

Sarcastic commentary not included.