The Good Wife's Guide - The Revised Addition

We women have fought for equality for decades. According to The History Channel, the fight for women's suffrage began back in the 1820's and 1830's. We women have rebelled against the "cult of womanhood" that defined a "true" woman as someone who is faithful, pious, and submissive to home and husband. To earn this equality we have marched, picketed, gone on hunger strikes, and our 1960's sisters will live in infamy for burning their bras.

Thanks to countless numbers of of surly motivated mamas we now enjoy the freedom to vote, the right to choose what we do with our own bodies, we have the ability to work outside our homes if we want, and one of my personal favorites... The right to wear pants. I am grateful each and every day for the ladies that paved our yellow brick road to conquering the American Emerald City.

However, I don't think the battle of the sexes will ever actually be over. I think every modern girl/woman has seen a copy of the 1955 Housekeeping Monthly article on how to be a "good wife." We may work just as hard as our men (sometimes harder) and yet the 1950's Housewife stereotype is still expected to be fulfilled in many ways... After you deposit your paycheck that is.

Well, I'll be the first one to tell you that I can't live up to these guidelines. I get annoyed when I see the gender stereotype rear it's ugly head in my home. Tonight was one of those nights and it got me thinking. So I've made a few modern revisions...

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready in time for his return. This is a way of letting him know you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed. 

I'm the last one home each day and my idea of "planning ahead" is having a bag of Tyson Chicken Nuggets sitting in the freezer. Don't feel like waiting 5 whole minutes for the microwave? Guess what, pop tarts are not just a breakfast food. Enjoy!

Okay, I admit that I'm pretty good friends with my crock pot, but not because I'm thinking of him or even the kids. Mostly it's because I'm thinking about the fact that I am sick and tired of being asked "What's for dinner?" before I can even get my shoes off. And the fact that I don't want to live on hamburgers and frozen pizza.

2. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Gay and interesting huh? That one's easy! I'll just break out the Zumba game for Xbox Kinect. I am blessed with the all the grace and elegance of a Fat Amy doing the mermaid dance.

If that fails to get a laugh and chase the boring out of his day, there's always my sarcastic wit to the rescue!

3. Be happy to see him.

Okay, he can keep that one. I am happy to see him. Except when he's asking "What's for dinner?"

4. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Says who?

Don't get me wrong, I'm interested in how his day went. But you can only hear about so many water tanks before it gets a little boring.

My story about the crazy customer that kept wishing me god's blessings a 1,000 times while he rambled on for half an hour about how we needed to replace his entire mile long driveway in the boon docks because he was not approved for a credit card and his car leaked oil on it is way more amusing.

Technically, wouldn't letting me talk first tackle the whole being gay and interesting requirement?

5. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

This one right here is what got under my skin tonight.

I've mentioned before that we live in the middle of nowhere and whenever he needs something from town, I'm expected to go with. No questions asked. On the rare occasion that I protest, he whines about it.

When I asked him to run into town with me this evening, by the look on his face, you would think I asked him to lick my toes for me or something.

God forbid he have to leave the house when he doesn't feel like it!

Question I shall. Always.

Until the day comes when he remembers to put his car payment in the mail without me reminding him for two weeks beforehand, setting out the checkbook, with the stamps on top... I am the master of this household thank you very much.

6. A good wife knows her place.

Indeed I do (see #5).

If you'd like to check out the full version of this article click here.

Sarcastic commentary not included.

I Love You... But I'm Sick of You

It's no secret that this winter has been absolutely miserable! I'm tired of hearing on the radio every morning about the potential snow that we still might be getting this weekend. The Spring equinox is supposed to be here in 6 days, however, it doesn't appear that we'll be getting any reprieve despite that fact.

Along with the ice, sleet, snow, and the extension of the school year well into June; a general dislike of one another has started to become increasingly noticeable as the winter drags on.

Quite frankly, we're all sick of each other here in the Nowhere household. We have literally spent the last 3 months stuck with each other in a relatively small space and it's really starting to show in the following ways:

1. If you speak, it's at your own risk! Everything that anyone says at this point is annoying. No matter what it is. There is also no limitation on the amount of snarky comments coming from every member of the family. Someone has a snappy sarcastic comeback on the tip of their tongue at all times these days. The simplest of phrases such as "Can you hand me the milk from the fridge?" has inspired all sorts of sighs, grunts, and cheap shots like "Why, are your legs broken or something?"

2. Germs are on a recycle program: We have spent a fortune so far at Walgreen's on what seems to be an endless amount of cold medication. Thank goodness for coupons (Lucky You! 20% off on select items sitewide)! Since we're not able to open the windows (though I have some days anyway) the germs that have been infesting all of us just seem to keep jumping from host to host. I think there have only been a few days back to back where no one felt like garbage. During our latest episode of When Germs Attack I actually pulled out the air mattress and ousted James from sharing the bed with me. Enough is enough already!

3. TV has become the enemy: We actually have 3 TV's with 3 cable boxes, yet somehow this has not seemed to detour fights. Everyone wants to use the "big" TV in the living room because they're bored with being in their own rooms at this point (James and I included). You can only spend so much time confined to one room of the house before you start going a little crazy. One would think that you could just select something "for the whole family" but that doesn't seem to work out either since no one can agree on what to watch anyway.

4. Lena actually wants to move: We've known for several months now that we will be moving this summer when our lease is up. Both James and I commute about an hour to work each way every day and honestly, we were ready to move last year. Lena on the other hand has the valid argument of not wanting to leave her school and her friends. She's been in the same school for all of elementary and we decided that we would let her finish up this last year in her school. This morning however, Lena told me that she's actually ready to move! We need more space and the confinement that this winter has brought has actually managed to convince her that it's time!

5. The kids were willing to hike 2 miles in the snow just to get out of the house: Last Sunday we couldn't stand being in the house for even one more moment. James was sick and crabby, Lena and Anne were whining non-stop, and Paige was actually thrilled that she had to go to work. Since it was around a whopping 40 degrees I decided to take Lena and Anne out to a nature center after taking Paige to work so that James could get some sleep. I've been trying to send them out doors to play all winter, but after a couple of times they lost all enthusiasm. The girls were so relieved to be out of the house that they didn't even complain.

The sight of them running away from me was actually the most beautiful thing I've seen in months!

Have you noticed any of this in your house?

I'm Going To Stitch Her Lips

Lena has been hard at work the past several months crafting her art of sarcasm. Lately she's been hell bent on pointing out that I'm an almost middle ager.

As we were getting ready for school/work this morning she was holding Sam and called him a fluffy piece of meat and then proceeded to bury her face in his belly.

I made a joke about how it wasn't nice to want roasted cat for breakfast, in return she told me that she'd rather roast my hand. I told her I needed it to beat her with though (laughing all the while). Her response...

"I don't think you could even catch me mom... You are almost 30."

Consider her a dead child later when I have more time to properly tickle her to the brink of suffocation. Oops, sorry!