A Letter To My Kids - The Maid Will Not Be Coming

My Dearest Children:

Your father and I are what is commonly known as the working class. While this means that we are slightly above poverty level and can still afford to do things like take you to see Disney's Frozen, it also means that we will not be hiring a maid, cook, butler, or any other form of domestic help anytime in the near future.

That being said, I would like to share a couple things that are on my mind from this weekend:

1. Please stop putting your clean folded laundry back in the basket. I'm not entirely certain which one of my lovely children decided that it would be better to pile the dirty laundry on top of the clean laundry, but as I went to start a new load this afternoon I discovered several pieces that I could swear I just washed a few days ago. Based on the fact that it was still neatly folded in the basket, I'm certain you assumed it would just be more convenient to have me wash it again then to actually put it away. Should there be another attempt to be clever when cleaning your room like that again, you will be responsible for washing your own clothes hence forth.

2. An entire bag of Doritos is not an option for lunch. On Saturday I made a large pan of Taco Bake. Since I already knew we had a lot of running to do today before the next polar vortex swoops down and possibly buries us alive (for the second time this month) I prepared a meal that would be easy for you to simply pop in the microwave so that you had something both warm and filling in your bellies. I can appreciate that seeing me walk in with several armloads of groceries fueled your appetites, but I do not believe that you were so starving at that exact moment that you couldn't wait 10 minutes for me to put it away so that you could get something to eat. Your attempt at trying to sneak away with an entire bag of Doritos was extremely brave, I will give you that. However, I will never be so distracted that I would allow you to eat a bag of chips for lunch instead of the food I spent 2 hours preparing. Nice try, but no dice.

3. You do not need half a roll of toilet paper to wipe your butts. I know that 5 people can demolish a roll of toilet paper in no time flat, this is why we buy it in bulk from Costco. I have a hard time believing though that you've peed enough to go through 2 rolls in a 12 hour span of time. There are two possible options here, either a) someone has a serious bladder infection and needs to see a doctor or b) someone just keeps rollin, rollin, rollin, when they use the potty. Since no one has complained about a burning sensation and based on the fact that I had to plunge it twice in one day... I'm thinking it's B. Please refrain from wiping your behinds with enough paper to make a quilt going forward. With the snowmageddon on the horizon, it would be a crying shame if you had to use your hands while we wait for the plows to come dig us back out again. We all know that could take a couple of days and mom will not be braving the snow drifts and black ice simply because someone decided they needed it to feel extra fluffy when they wipe.

In closing my dearest children, know that I love you all, I would not trade you for the world, and all complaints should be forwarded to dad...

Sincerely,

Mom

Parade and a Meltdown

The day started out wonderful. We got up this morning, had our coffee in peace while the children slept on. Then proceeded to go to the parade.

As I mentioned earlier, Lena and Anne have both been coughing this weekend. However, Lena has it way worse. She's stuck in that horrible in between phase right now where she's not big, but she's not little. Last time she got sick it was an argument getting her to take the liquid cough medicine. She wanted a pill because she's "not a baby anymore MOM!" 

So this time when I went to Walgreen's I grabbed her the liquid gels instead. Turns out that ended up being a knock down drag out fight today that I ended up losing in the end. She was terrified to swallow it. She kept insisting she was going to choke if she had to take it. Of course, this pissed me off. Those things certainly are not cheap and we're working on a limited income at the moment.

I certainly didn't put my best mommy foot forward because I ended up yelling at my scared sick little girl. What I should have done it just gone back up to Walgreen's right away and bought the liquid. What I should have done was comfort her when she wasn't feeling good. Instead, I tried to force her to take it. This only brought her to tears, made me look like a monster, and didn't end up helping her cough at all.

Thank goodness for James being my voice of reason. After a good half hour battle he pulled me out into the garage and told me what a grade A moron I was being. He reminded me that the point was to help make her feel better, not worse.

Total mom failure today on my part really. In all truth, I originally had the children's liquid in my hand because I already knew this could potentially happen. Silly me, I listened to my 10 year old and got what she wanted and not what I knew she needed. He ended up going into town, getting the liquid, and then I proceeded to lay on the couch with her for the last 3 hours watching movies and cuddling to make up for my previous lack of empathy. I guess I know better next time.

I'm Going To Stitch Her Lips

Lena has been hard at work the past several months crafting her art of sarcasm. Lately she's been hell bent on pointing out that I'm an almost middle ager.

As we were getting ready for school/work this morning she was holding Sam and called him a fluffy piece of meat and then proceeded to bury her face in his belly.

I made a joke about how it wasn't nice to want roasted cat for breakfast, in return she told me that she'd rather roast my hand. I told her I needed it to beat her with though (laughing all the while). Her response...

"I don't think you could even catch me mom... You are almost 30."

Consider her a dead child later when I have more time to properly tickle her to the brink of suffocation. Oops, sorry!