I'll Take One Standardized Assessment Test Decoder Ring Please

As I was shuffling through Lena's "mail" folder tonight looking for the results of the Western States Test that we studied our butts off for, I noticed that they had also sent home the second round of pretest results for the impending ISAT.

Before I get on my soap box, I just want to say that the printable flashcards worked! After putting in 3 weeks of hardcore study time she only missed two of the abbreviations. In my eyes, she aced it. Hell, I probably wouldn't have done half as well and we were doing it together. At the end of the day she could have missed every single one and I wouldn't have cared, because I know that she tried her hardest.

That's just it though, we've been doing our hardest ALL. FREAKING. YEAR. I'm not certain what it is about 5th grade that launched us into an onslaught of one academic nightmare after the other, but we're trying to make the best of it as we go.

Tonight though, I did something that I don't ever recall doing in past years. I looked long and hard at the pretest results. Earlier in the year during my parent teach conference, her teacher had informed me that Lena had failed the reading portion. Um, excuse me, not to sound like a conceited ass... but she's never failed anything. Ever. Up until that moment her grades have always been above the average state level.

I took a few moments to throw myself a mental pity party and share how I would be losing that Mother of the Year Award, but ultimately we immediately got down to business and started focusing on the areas the teacher had recommended. She does her mom mandated 30 minutes of reading during the week nights, we study for every upcoming test, and we even do the extra credit challenges that are sent home. Her report card shows that she's improving, but I was shocked to see that the pretest had only progressed a couple of measly points.

There were 3 tests in total: Math, Reading/Language, and Social Studies and I just don't see how that's possible to get two sets of polar opposite results... And that's when I started to read the list of categories the test covered. Here's just a few of them that made me stop and go WTF:

• Knowledge of Language: I would really like to know how a kid who started telling me "Well actually mom..." when she was only 2 doesn't have a knowledge of language? I've had strangers literally make comments to me while we're standing in the grocery checkout line because they were amazed at the words that were coming out of her mouth (in a good way). Are they putting the tests in Latin now or something? I would love the opportunity to see what constitutes as their ideal knowledge of language.
• Production and Distribution of Writing: Are our 10 and 11 year old's publishing books in school now or something? How exactly does someone produce and distribute on a multiple choice test?
• Students will trace the historical periods, places, people, events, and movements that have led to the development of Indiana as a state: I don't recall anything about the history of Indiana ever being sent home for us to study. And believe me, with all the studying we've had to do, I would have noticed. 
• Read and interpret thematic maps: I don't even know what a thematic map is and you expect my 5th grader to know? Maybe if the kids actually had a Social Studies book I might be able to look it up and figure it out with her. 

In total, there are 4 pages all double sided with crap like this on it and I can't make heads or tails out of most of it. I know that they have to find a way to issue a broad test. There's never going to be a "one size fits all." But would it be too much to ask for the school to actually teach our kids the information before they start testing them on it?

The Top 5 Reasons I Hate Shaving

Yep, this is my house.
Image found here.

I wouldn't trade being a woman for anything in the world, but I do have to admit that when it comes to certain things men just get off easy. They're not responsible for hauling around a bowling ball in their bellies for 9 months, they don't know what it's like to give birth, they don't have to endure the utter horror of sitting on a public toilet seat, when they decide they want to lose weight it just starts to melt away with a few workouts because they don't store fat like polar bears the way we do, and if you see a man in heels it's because he wants to be. We women endure some serious medieval style tortures in order to live up to societal expectations of who/how we should be.

In my personal opinion, shaving falls right into the medieval category.

1. Acquiring the proper tools is freaking expensive! I'm not entirely certain who decided that $15+ was a "fair" price to charge for a package of 3 tiny scraps of metal wrapped in plastic, but I'm certain that they're rolling in dough from the highway robbery prices they charge. Granted there is the less expensive option of purchasing disposable razors, but I only recommend that if you enjoy being covered in Phineas and Ferb bandaids. I do rock a mean Perry though!

2. The amount of time it takes to shave one's legs is also nothing short of torment. Due to the time factor alone, I tend to resemble Chewbacca more often than not. It's not because I'm unwilling to make the effort, but because I'm lucky enough to have enough hot water left after 3 kids and a significant other to wash my hair, let alone to tame the wild jungle hidden under my jeans. All showers that need to exceed the 10 minute allowed limit of hot water left for mom must be taken after 10pm (if I can stay awake that late that is).

3. There is a certain ability for contortionism required in order to shave your legs properly. I truly believe that no shower was ever made with this particular activity in mind. You're always battling to either a) not wash all the expensive shaving cream down the drain while sitting in the tub (not to mention trying not to drown yourself) or b) trying to accomplish a Barnum and Bailey's style balancing act while hopping on one leg as you attempt to glide a sharp object across your skin. I don't care if you're capable of folding yourself into a human pretzel, this is just not fun no matter what way you slice it.

4.  Men are not forced to live up to the same standards that we ladies are. I believe that if we're required to keep our legs and underarms smooth and even occasionally  tame the rain forest, that men should have to meet the same standards with their faces. James and I are constantly battling over him keeping his goatee nice and neat. Personally, I'd prefer he just shaved the whole darn thing, but I can live with a little well groomed facial hair. What I don't like is when he doesn't bother with it for days at a time and it becomes the equivalent of having to kiss an electric sander. Sometimes I use the tarantula legs as a bargaining chip. "I'll shave when you do..."

5. And the #1 thing I absolutely hate about having to shave my legs... Two days later my legs start itching like I've leisurely rolled around in poison ivy! When the hair starts sprouting back you might as well hand me over a hairbrush, because I'm fully prepared to take off an entire layer of skin to JUST. MAKE. IT. STOP!

What about you?