Daddy Daughter Dance Photos

At this moment, Lena is out dancing her butt off with her Papa at her final Daddy Daughter Dance. She was so beautiful tonight. I managed to keep it together (barely) and not cry all over her dress.

5 Tidbits of Unsolicited Parenting Advice I Could Have Used

I've seen plenty of posts lately talking about receiving unsolicited and unwanted parenting advice. Other people: parents, friends, and even complete strangers are constantly dishing out tips on how you should raise your children. I've noticed a commonality with all the various stories though... Each and every one of them has younger children, mainly babies and toddlers.

It got me to thinking about all the advise that I used to get on how to raise Lena "right." Some things, I admit, made perfect sense. For example, testing how hot the bottle is on your wrist. No one wants to scald their baby's throat, so I get this little tidbit and found it helpful direction in navigating the minefield that being a new parent is.

There were other things however that were in all truth, no one's freaking business. For instance, my mother used to be completely horrified that I would watch CSI while my 2 year old was still awake. She insisted that by having it on, even though Lena was zoned out with her Dora kitchen, that I was going to cause permanent damage to my daughter's developing psyche. It's 10 years later and I've never heard my daughter talk about wanting to cut up dead bodies, so I think I'm in the clear.

The funny part about it all is, that once your kid hits kindergarten, the random dribble of advice just sorta stops. I don't know if people suddenly decide that if your kids have reached school without ending up dead or flaying small animals that you must be an okay parent after all or if they just assume the damage is done at this point so why waste their breath. Either way, it's usually a very welcomed form of silence.

There are a few things though that I wish someone would have warned me about...

1. You will be repeating elementary school: When I was pregnant and in the beginning stages of raising Lena, no one ever bothered to mention that when she went to school, that I'd be going through school right along with her. Sure, I don't have to sit through the class, but the homework that they send in her "mail" folder each night does occasionally make me feel like I probably should have just attended right along side her that day. I've noticed with each passing year, I feel dumber and dumber, because I can't for the life of me recall half the crap on her worksheets. I am grateful each and every single day for being part of the internet generation. I honestly don't know how parents survived without it! If it wasn't for Google and Siri, I'm fairly certain that Lena would be turning her homework back in blank. In the real adult world I have never needed to know what a composite number is, nor has anyone every quizzed me in a job interview on all 50 freaking states and their capitals (I sure could tell you today what they are though!).

2. What age is appropriate for your child to begin shaving: We've reached the beginning stages of puberty and it's no longer just one hairy armpit. Hair is starting to sprout up for Lena like she's a human Chia Pet. There is no part of me that is comfortable handing over a razor blade to my tween, so we've been taming the wild underarm jungle with Nair at the moment. However, she's going to reach a point where it'll be just a little too weird for mommy to wipe away the hair while she stands topless in the bathroom. I'm not entirely sure when I'm supposed to let go and take her shopping for her first Venus and Skintamate set.

3. If your child is the same gender as you, your clothes will end up missing: In our house, this can usually be blamed on James. He is almost 100% incapable of distinguishing my clothes from the girls. Just this weekend Lena came into our room while we were putting away the millionth load of laundry to return a few pairs of my pants he'd put in their pile by mistake. It's not always his fault though. My tank tops seem to be a free for all that Lena just helps herself to in the morning when she's getting ready for school. If I make the mistake of brushing my teeth too long, I may go to grab my top and find it on her already. You snooze you lose when it comes to your clothing when they get older I guess. Warning: this also applies to shoes if you and your daughter happen to wear the same size.

4. Pulling out the camera will suddenly make your child disappear: That previous happy go lucky toddler that was once cheesing it up for the camera so they can see the picture of themselves will eventually run in utter terror if there is a camera present. Please see How to Pee Alone for a brief demonstration. It's a handy little trick when I want a moment to myself, but I have yet to figure out over the last 3 years how to con my beautiful daughter into letting me take a photo of her that doesn't resemble a mug shot.

I'm probably going straight to parenting hell for this one.

5. You will never be cool again: Everything you do and/or will do is going to be criticized from now until, well, forever. The goofy dancing that I do many a morning while we're getting ready used to elicit endless laughter and even a little jig right along with me... Now, she points out every single piece of my body that jiggles to make me stop. I'm not really sure how I'm "embarrassing" her when we're at home. Alone. But she seems to live in constant fear that someone, somewhere, anywhere, might find out that her mother dances in the morning and it's JUST NOT COOL. At the very least I've accepted this fact and am currently wearing the "My Mom's a Nerd" cap with pride and waiting for the perfect moment to display it in public so I can at the very least live up to her expectations. I wouldn't want to disappoint her after all.

That's it in a nutshell. Well, for today at least. What advice do you wish you would have had?

Dress Shopping and Olaf for Dessert

It's that time of year again for Lena's Daddy Daughter Dance. She's taking her Papa again this year since her dad's a douche bag she's taken all of the uncles and it's his turn again. It's a happy and sad moment for me all at the same time. I love seeing her all dolled up, but this will be her last DDD. I'm not ready for her to be so darn big just yet.

::sigh::

Saturday morning after my coffee, me and the girls hit the road and headed up to the mall in Merrillville. In prior years, we combed the many stores in search of the perfect dress. We have learned that Sears is the only place worth our while. Lena gets a beautiful dress and my wallet doesn't produce moths fluttering from it after we're finished. It's a win-win for both of us.

In typical girl fashion, we snagged easily 30 dresses off the racks to play around in. Some of them we already knew she wouldn't take home, but it's just fun to try them on sometimes.

Usually my sister comes along with us, because as Lena likes to remind me, I really have no sense of "style." Unfortunately for her, Auntie was working this year, so mom was who she was stuck with. In beginning she was a little bummed out that there wasn't a buffer when it came to dress selection, but in the end, I picked out the winning dress!

Here are just a few of the dresses she tried on...

I thought it was super cute, but apparently pink is
no longer cool anymore.

This one was on clearance and I begged to take it home
as a summer dress. "Mom, I can't climbs trees in this though!"

Lena even started busting a move, right up until she realized I wasn't just taking a picture...

This was my favorite dress because it made her look
sophisticated. But according to my girls it was
BORING! See, no style.

And the winning dress was...

The one with the best twirlability... Of course.

Funny though, she didn't even want to try it on at first.

Once we had found "the one" and were heading toward the checkout, we spied a gigantic stuffed Olaf from Disney's Frozen.

Yep, leave it to my girls, they tried to eat him. 

What I Learned From The Latest Issue of Cosmo

I've never been really big into magazines, but as I was standing in line yesterday at my trusty neighborhood Walgreens waiting to hand over another limb purchase my umpteenth bottle of mucus relief aid for Lena, I spied a headline on the cover of the latest issue of Cosmo that caught my attention.

With the amount of cash I've invested in Mucinex, Robitussin, NyQuil, Vicks Vapor Rub, and Puff's Plus Lotion Tissues lately I snagged the magazine off the shelf figuring it might be worth the couple bucks to read the article. I'm always open to new ideas on how to bring in a little extra income, especially during Thank you Walgreens, here's my kidney for the black market season.

The article consisted of "15 Tips" in total. There was really only one on there that I thought was worth it. The EasyShift app. Supposedly you use this app when you're out running you're regular errands and they pay you $2 to $4 per task through your PayPal account. I did download it, so I'll be checking it out this weekend when me and the girls hit the mall on Saturday for a dress for Lena's upcoming dance.

Other than that though, it really was a bust. They suggested things like starting a change jar (yep, got that, but the school seems to get all my change anyway), cutting back on your cable (um, I'm guessing the author doesn't have 3 kids), and don't spend money on bottled water (you live with well water and tell me if you're drinking it). I won't even bother to bore you with the rest of them.

That should have been a pretty good indication the rest of the magazine was also going to be a waste of time. But I'd already paid for it so I decided I'd just skim through it. Now, I know Cosmo is not known for being the most sophisticated of magazines, but can someone please tell me at what point they started marketing to horny teenagers? Almost every single advertisement in the dang thing is showing off some toothpick wearing an insane amount of eye makeup and a short skirt. I can't even remember the last time I actually owned a skirt, let alone wore one! If Cosmo was marketing to moms they should be featuring the hottest set of yoga pants and the Tide-To-Go pens. Clearly, we're not really on their target marketing list.

This became even more evident as I discovered these...

Hmmmm.... I wonder why dating in college is so hard? Maybe it's because the guys are expecting you to ride a foam finger to impress them now... Too far? Okay, moving on then...

The real icing on the cake though came on the very last page. It was a little quiz titled Do You Need A Mental Health Day? My immediate thought was YES!!! I even allowed myself to daydream just for a moment about calling in sick tomorrow and enjoying a few hours with the house all to myself. 

Thinking that I had finally found something that actually applied to me I started to look at the quiz thinking I would take it. I didn't even get passed the first question of:

1. To relieve stress you usually:

Excuse me, WHAT???? I love to cruise Etsy, but I can't ever remember a single freaking second where looking at Games of Thrones jewelry gave me the urge to double click my mouse like that! Is this some kinky new fetish that I need to be worried about?

Oh wait, it gets even better!

Yep, I think they just nailed my new personal slogan! Who wouldn't want to walk around chanting about a waxed butthole as their mantra? 

Just a heads up if I'm missing for a while it's because Cosmo has helped me decide to start the construction of Rapunzel's tower in my backyard and study up on how to become a home-school teacher.

A Disney Parody That Made Me Go WTF!

Lena got to stay home again today from school thanks to a low grade temp. This dang cold is being incredibly stubborn. Since she's old enough to stay home alone, I headed off to work and she enjoyed her second day in a row with the house to herself.

Basically this translates to an insane amount of time playing Discovery Kids Animal Jam and watching funny cat videos on YouTube. Today she stumbled upon this little gem...

Lena was laughing so hard at my reaction she couldn't even breath. Did anyone else sit there with their mouth open wide going OMG?

Even Boogers Have Requests Now!

I took a bit of an unplanned break last/this week. Between two family parties and a sick kid (again) my laptop ended up more as a decoration on the dresser than anything else. If I was smart, I would have taken out stock in Walgreen's back in the fall.

Lena still isn't feeling 100% but she's certainly feeling well enough to leave me commands.

I just discovered this little love note on the door. I'm guessing it's a "reminder" for when we're leaving the house tomorrow. Apparently, toilet paper is no longer suitable to blow snot into.

Christmas is FINALLY Over!

I come from a big family on both sides. This comes packed with blessings and curses. One of the curses is trying to get everyone together at the same time. We learned years ago that in order to make any "get together" holiday work for all of us, the paternal and maternal sides of the family for two of us, and all the significant others that we're better off choosing a weekend after the "official" holiday has ended.

Typically we celebrate the 1st or 2nd weekend in January, but due to unforeseen circumstances it got pushed back really late this year. It was a great weekend full of family and laughter, but boy oh boy, I am soooooo glad I can officially put all things Christmas back in the garage now.

Here's a few photos from our final festivities...

With all the cooking to follow, we decided to treat the girl's to
Schoop's Hamburgers Friday Night.

Twas the night before Christmas...

My dad was super excited about his new Chicago
Bears Jersey. He even did a happy dance.

The girl' love snuggling up with their Aunt Bear.

Surprisingly, even after she did this....

Everyone was still pretty tired the next morning.
Especially Lena.

That's all for today, hope everyone had a great weekend!

I Think HGTV is Telling Me I'm Fat

Since good TV doesn't came back officially until this weekend (i.e. Walking Dead) we've been browsing our On Demand for some filler shows in the meantime. We've been stuck on a week's worth of Love It or List It at the moment. Since we've been watching plenty of episodes I noticed that they seem to have the Jessica Simpson Weight Watchers commercial on repeat. I'm not sure if they pay a pretty penny to HGTV or if maybe they assume all of us DIY freaks out there are as fat as the houses we watch them renovate. 

Personally, I've looked into Weight Watchers plenty of times. I think the first time I looked at the program was after I read Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound at a Time a couple years back. If I recall she did Jenny Craig actually, but I don't suppose that's either here nor there. The idea of these kinds of programs is absolutely wonderful in theory. They assist people like myself in making smarter choices and portion control. I buy their microwave meals all the time to take with my to lunch at work. However they don't have any practical application in the Nowhere household as a whole.

 For starters, I don't like cooking. I do it. Under protest. If there is a way to get out of it, I will. At least when our budget allows me to anyway. Second, with three kids there is no such thing as "cooking small." Between the 5 of us we have a huge spectrum of appetites that need to be accommodated at any given meal. James and Paige have a rather hefty ability to consume insane amounts of food in one sitting. Since they're blessed with a metabolism that's all well and fine for them. Myself and the 2 younger girls were not so lucky. I have to constantly stay on top of what we eat and how much of it is allowed. Most meals we have to cut Anne off before she feels finished. "No, I'm sorry, but you cannot have a 4th pancake." This can be extremely difficult when I have to prepare enough food to feed an army at any given time. Finally, I hate throwing away food! Since most leftovers give me a bad case of the squeams (if your grandmother horded food and tried to feed you a turkey from a place that burnt down 5 years before you'd have food issues too) I don't really save a whole lot of what I make for later. We either eat it or it ends up in the trash.

I think programs like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig could make an absolute killing if they started offering a family program. If it was possible to sign up your entire household as a single group and input information about each individual and then guide me on what and how much to make for each person that would get me to sign up immediately. If you think about it, us moms already have a to-do list that never seems to end. How much easier would it be to lose weight this way? I know I would fork over my money without thinking twice if I could pre-purchase an entire family sized meal that I only have to heat and serve.

What about you?

I'll Take One Standardized Assessment Test Decoder Ring Please

As I was shuffling through Lena's "mail" folder tonight looking for the results of the Western States Test that we studied our butts off for, I noticed that they had also sent home the second round of pretest results for the impending ISAT.

Before I get on my soap box, I just want to say that the printable flashcards worked! After putting in 3 weeks of hardcore study time she only missed two of the abbreviations. In my eyes, she aced it. Hell, I probably wouldn't have done half as well and we were doing it together. At the end of the day she could have missed every single one and I wouldn't have cared, because I know that she tried her hardest.

That's just it though, we've been doing our hardest ALL. FREAKING. YEAR. I'm not certain what it is about 5th grade that launched us into an onslaught of one academic nightmare after the other, but we're trying to make the best of it as we go.

Tonight though, I did something that I don't ever recall doing in past years. I looked long and hard at the pretest results. Earlier in the year during my parent teach conference, her teacher had informed me that Lena had failed the reading portion. Um, excuse me, not to sound like a conceited ass... but she's never failed anything. Ever. Up until that moment her grades have always been above the average state level.

I took a few moments to throw myself a mental pity party and share how I would be losing that Mother of the Year Award, but ultimately we immediately got down to business and started focusing on the areas the teacher had recommended. She does her mom mandated 30 minutes of reading during the week nights, we study for every upcoming test, and we even do the extra credit challenges that are sent home. Her report card shows that she's improving, but I was shocked to see that the pretest had only progressed a couple of measly points.

There were 3 tests in total: Math, Reading/Language, and Social Studies and I just don't see how that's possible to get two sets of polar opposite results... And that's when I started to read the list of categories the test covered. Here's just a few of them that made me stop and go WTF:

• Knowledge of Language: I would really like to know how a kid who started telling me "Well actually mom..." when she was only 2 doesn't have a knowledge of language? I've had strangers literally make comments to me while we're standing in the grocery checkout line because they were amazed at the words that were coming out of her mouth (in a good way). Are they putting the tests in Latin now or something? I would love the opportunity to see what constitutes as their ideal knowledge of language.
• Production and Distribution of Writing: Are our 10 and 11 year old's publishing books in school now or something? How exactly does someone produce and distribute on a multiple choice test?
• Students will trace the historical periods, places, people, events, and movements that have led to the development of Indiana as a state: I don't recall anything about the history of Indiana ever being sent home for us to study. And believe me, with all the studying we've had to do, I would have noticed. 
• Read and interpret thematic maps: I don't even know what a thematic map is and you expect my 5th grader to know? Maybe if the kids actually had a Social Studies book I might be able to look it up and figure it out with her. 

In total, there are 4 pages all double sided with crap like this on it and I can't make heads or tails out of most of it. I know that they have to find a way to issue a broad test. There's never going to be a "one size fits all." But would it be too much to ask for the school to actually teach our kids the information before they start testing them on it?

We Go To Bed Together: Its A Rule

For anyone wondering, James did get home safe and sound the other day.

He did end up sleeping on the couch, but the argument disagreement did get resolved before lunch on Sunday. Even when I get mad, I don't stay mad.

Saturday night aside though, we have an unofficial rule in our house. We go to bed together.

You thought I meant that huh? Oh how I wish! I would love to brag that we're currently living it up like teenagers, but then I'd be lying (we still have kids that live at home after all). Last night he ended up with a migraine and was in bed by 8 o'clock. Now, I don't typically stay up too late, but that was just a little too early for me.

When I finally crawled in a couple hours later, I was reminded of the reasons why we don't go to bed separately.

1. The Taco: Sadly, I'm not talking about the tastie kind. There have been several occasions during our relationship that we've considered investing in a second down comforter. Neither one of us stays stationary while we're sleeping. We toss, we turn, we roll over... Unconsciously, sometimes we take the whole blanket with us while we're doing it. There have been plenty of nights where one or the other has woken up with icicles sticking out of their nose because the other one has hijacked the covers. If one of us goes to bed before the other, there's no hope in unwrapping the comatose person from the blanket taco. There'a better chance of finding the lost city of Atlantis than there is of getting even a corner out of that tangled mess. We both know at this point just to grab the couch blankie before settling in.

2. The Starfish Position: I think there is some part deep in our subconscious that keeps us from accidentally assaulting our partners while we're sleeping. I believe that somehow we just know that they're next to us and it keeps us from involuntarily dropping elbows into their forehead (most of the time anyway). Normally, we're both side sleepers, but when we're the only one in the bed, all bets are off. We are magnetically sucked into the center of the bed and we unfold like a banana peel. It requires all of one's strength to shove ease the other person back to their side of the bed without waking them.

3. The Nocturnal Musical: When I was in high school I used to fall asleep with the radio on. James, on the other hand, used to fall asleep to the sound of the TV (oh wait, he still does that). You would think that a little bit of, um, background noise wouldn't bother either one of us. Ha! White noise, maybe not, the mucus gargling esophagus band however is more than either of us can handle. Until we moved in together, no on ever told me I snored! Evidently though I'm loud enough to keep him awake and that's really saying something. I'm convinced he suffers from home induced narcolepsy. We'll be sitting on the couch talking one minute and then I look over and he's baby necking it while his eyes roll back in his head... But we're both guilty of producing enough noise while we're sleeping that I'm surprised our neighbors haven't stopped by to complain. Thank goodness the children can sleep through a tornado, because that's what it sounds like coming from our bedroom at night.

So, after snatching the blanket off the couch, taking 10 minutes to heave him back to his side of the bed, and poking him several a few times I finally got to sleep about an hour (or so) after getting into bed. Needless to say, we'll be going to bed together tonight. I really need to catch up on my sleep!

Men Are Morons Sometimes - Yes, I'm Venting

At this point, I'm not really certain what's wrong with me. My mood has gone from bad to worse this week. It started out with my mini-strike, which I'm fairly certain didn't go unnoticed. When I arrived home Friday evening, James had kinda straightened up the house (i.e. he did the dishes and wiped down the counter) and much to my surprise he'd decided on his own accord that he was going to make dinner.

That's an incredibly rare occasion and typically his idea of "making dinner" is ordering a pizza. Instead, he made tacos. I was both stunned and grateful for his little surprise.

I'm not one to question sudden sweetness, but it didn't really surprise me when he brought up a "guys day" after we finished eating. In all honesty, I don't really care when he goes out with his friends. Sometimes it's nice. And even though he just was out two weeks ago, I told him to go ahead and go.

My problems with him going really didn't start until we woke up to this...

In case you're wondering, our roads still aren't plowed
and it looks worse now then this morning.

See, I have a near paralyzing fear of driving in the snow (yeah, makes sense to live in the Midwest doesn't it?). When he started getting ready to leave the house around noon or so, not only was it still snowing, but it was pouring down sleet with it! There was a very distinctive tink, tink, tink, as it fell on the hood of the car. The idea of him driving an hour away  and staying out till 2 am when he didn't really need to made me uneasy.

I did attempt to ask him nicely to stay home today. I told him I really thought going out right now wasn't the best idea. I recommended waiting a little while longer to see if maybe the weather got a little better. Basically, he just laughed in my face. "I'll be fine!"

I showed him the post where our local police department had asked people to please stay off the roads. I showed him that 80/94 was shut down again, because of how slick it was out there and that there had been another accident involving a semi. Even though he'd be taking the express way, he continued to laugh it off like I'm just being crazy.

This resulted in my blood starting to boil a bit. And... And... Well... I lost it. I told him that it was absolutely stupid to go out right now just so that he can go sit in front of a TV with his friends for the next 12 hours. I know they do UFC Fight Night every month (though I usually don't find out until the day before when it is), but I just can't see how risking your life and the life of others can be worth it. Believe me, I recognize that I should probably be medicated for my fear of driving in the snow, but when the police tell you not to drive I believe you better damn well listen.

He didn't of course. My only debate now is do I wait up to make sure he gets home safe and potentially erupt on him like a volcano or go to bed and maybe lock the bedroom door because I'm truly still pissed about the whole thing.