What I Learned From The Latest Issue of Cosmo

I've never been really big into magazines, but as I was standing in line yesterday at my trusty neighborhood Walgreens waiting to hand over another limb purchase my umpteenth bottle of mucus relief aid for Lena, I spied a headline on the cover of the latest issue of Cosmo that caught my attention.

With the amount of cash I've invested in Mucinex, Robitussin, NyQuil, Vicks Vapor Rub, and Puff's Plus Lotion Tissues lately I snagged the magazine off the shelf figuring it might be worth the couple bucks to read the article. I'm always open to new ideas on how to bring in a little extra income, especially during Thank you Walgreens, here's my kidney for the black market season.

The article consisted of "15 Tips" in total. There was really only one on there that I thought was worth it. The EasyShift app. Supposedly you use this app when you're out running you're regular errands and they pay you $2 to $4 per task through your PayPal account. I did download it, so I'll be checking it out this weekend when me and the girls hit the mall on Saturday for a dress for Lena's upcoming dance.

Other than that though, it really was a bust. They suggested things like starting a change jar (yep, got that, but the school seems to get all my change anyway), cutting back on your cable (um, I'm guessing the author doesn't have 3 kids), and don't spend money on bottled water (you live with well water and tell me if you're drinking it). I won't even bother to bore you with the rest of them.

That should have been a pretty good indication the rest of the magazine was also going to be a waste of time. But I'd already paid for it so I decided I'd just skim through it. Now, I know Cosmo is not known for being the most sophisticated of magazines, but can someone please tell me at what point they started marketing to horny teenagers? Almost every single advertisement in the dang thing is showing off some toothpick wearing an insane amount of eye makeup and a short skirt. I can't even remember the last time I actually owned a skirt, let alone wore one! If Cosmo was marketing to moms they should be featuring the hottest set of yoga pants and the Tide-To-Go pens. Clearly, we're not really on their target marketing list.

This became even more evident as I discovered these...

Hmmmm.... I wonder why dating in college is so hard? Maybe it's because the guys are expecting you to ride a foam finger to impress them now... Too far? Okay, moving on then...

The real icing on the cake though came on the very last page. It was a little quiz titled Do You Need A Mental Health Day? My immediate thought was YES!!! I even allowed myself to daydream just for a moment about calling in sick tomorrow and enjoying a few hours with the house all to myself. 

Thinking that I had finally found something that actually applied to me I started to look at the quiz thinking I would take it. I didn't even get passed the first question of:

1. To relieve stress you usually:

Excuse me, WHAT???? I love to cruise Etsy, but I can't ever remember a single freaking second where looking at Games of Thrones jewelry gave me the urge to double click my mouse like that! Is this some kinky new fetish that I need to be worried about?

Oh wait, it gets even better!

Yep, I think they just nailed my new personal slogan! Who wouldn't want to walk around chanting about a waxed butthole as their mantra? 

Just a heads up if I'm missing for a while it's because Cosmo has helped me decide to start the construction of Rapunzel's tower in my backyard and study up on how to become a home-school teacher.