5 Tidbits of Unsolicited Parenting Advice I Could Have Used

I've seen plenty of posts lately talking about receiving unsolicited and unwanted parenting advice. Other people: parents, friends, and even complete strangers are constantly dishing out tips on how you should raise your children. I've noticed a commonality with all the various stories though... Each and every one of them has younger children, mainly babies and toddlers.

It got me to thinking about all the advise that I used to get on how to raise Lena "right." Some things, I admit, made perfect sense. For example, testing how hot the bottle is on your wrist. No one wants to scald their baby's throat, so I get this little tidbit and found it helpful direction in navigating the minefield that being a new parent is.

There were other things however that were in all truth, no one's freaking business. For instance, my mother used to be completely horrified that I would watch CSI while my 2 year old was still awake. She insisted that by having it on, even though Lena was zoned out with her Dora kitchen, that I was going to cause permanent damage to my daughter's developing psyche. It's 10 years later and I've never heard my daughter talk about wanting to cut up dead bodies, so I think I'm in the clear.

The funny part about it all is, that once your kid hits kindergarten, the random dribble of advice just sorta stops. I don't know if people suddenly decide that if your kids have reached school without ending up dead or flaying small animals that you must be an okay parent after all or if they just assume the damage is done at this point so why waste their breath. Either way, it's usually a very welcomed form of silence.

There are a few things though that I wish someone would have warned me about...

1. You will be repeating elementary school: When I was pregnant and in the beginning stages of raising Lena, no one ever bothered to mention that when she went to school, that I'd be going through school right along with her. Sure, I don't have to sit through the class, but the homework that they send in her "mail" folder each night does occasionally make me feel like I probably should have just attended right along side her that day. I've noticed with each passing year, I feel dumber and dumber, because I can't for the life of me recall half the crap on her worksheets. I am grateful each and every single day for being part of the internet generation. I honestly don't know how parents survived without it! If it wasn't for Google and Siri, I'm fairly certain that Lena would be turning her homework back in blank. In the real adult world I have never needed to know what a composite number is, nor has anyone every quizzed me in a job interview on all 50 freaking states and their capitals (I sure could tell you today what they are though!).

2. What age is appropriate for your child to begin shaving: We've reached the beginning stages of puberty and it's no longer just one hairy armpit. Hair is starting to sprout up for Lena like she's a human Chia Pet. There is no part of me that is comfortable handing over a razor blade to my tween, so we've been taming the wild underarm jungle with Nair at the moment. However, she's going to reach a point where it'll be just a little too weird for mommy to wipe away the hair while she stands topless in the bathroom. I'm not entirely sure when I'm supposed to let go and take her shopping for her first Venus and Skintamate set.

3. If your child is the same gender as you, your clothes will end up missing: In our house, this can usually be blamed on James. He is almost 100% incapable of distinguishing my clothes from the girls. Just this weekend Lena came into our room while we were putting away the millionth load of laundry to return a few pairs of my pants he'd put in their pile by mistake. It's not always his fault though. My tank tops seem to be a free for all that Lena just helps herself to in the morning when she's getting ready for school. If I make the mistake of brushing my teeth too long, I may go to grab my top and find it on her already. You snooze you lose when it comes to your clothing when they get older I guess. Warning: this also applies to shoes if you and your daughter happen to wear the same size.

4. Pulling out the camera will suddenly make your child disappear: That previous happy go lucky toddler that was once cheesing it up for the camera so they can see the picture of themselves will eventually run in utter terror if there is a camera present. Please see How to Pee Alone for a brief demonstration. It's a handy little trick when I want a moment to myself, but I have yet to figure out over the last 3 years how to con my beautiful daughter into letting me take a photo of her that doesn't resemble a mug shot.

I'm probably going straight to parenting hell for this one.

5. You will never be cool again: Everything you do and/or will do is going to be criticized from now until, well, forever. The goofy dancing that I do many a morning while we're getting ready used to elicit endless laughter and even a little jig right along with me... Now, she points out every single piece of my body that jiggles to make me stop. I'm not really sure how I'm "embarrassing" her when we're at home. Alone. But she seems to live in constant fear that someone, somewhere, anywhere, might find out that her mother dances in the morning and it's JUST NOT COOL. At the very least I've accepted this fact and am currently wearing the "My Mom's a Nerd" cap with pride and waiting for the perfect moment to display it in public so I can at the very least live up to her expectations. I wouldn't want to disappoint her after all.

That's it in a nutshell. Well, for today at least. What advice do you wish you would have had?