I'll Take One Standardized Assessment Test Decoder Ring Please

As I was shuffling through Lena's "mail" folder tonight looking for the results of the Western States Test that we studied our butts off for, I noticed that they had also sent home the second round of pretest results for the impending ISAT.

Before I get on my soap box, I just want to say that the printable flashcards worked! After putting in 3 weeks of hardcore study time she only missed two of the abbreviations. In my eyes, she aced it. Hell, I probably wouldn't have done half as well and we were doing it together. At the end of the day she could have missed every single one and I wouldn't have cared, because I know that she tried her hardest.

That's just it though, we've been doing our hardest ALL. FREAKING. YEAR. I'm not certain what it is about 5th grade that launched us into an onslaught of one academic nightmare after the other, but we're trying to make the best of it as we go.

Tonight though, I did something that I don't ever recall doing in past years. I looked long and hard at the pretest results. Earlier in the year during my parent teach conference, her teacher had informed me that Lena had failed the reading portion. Um, excuse me, not to sound like a conceited ass... but she's never failed anything. Ever. Up until that moment her grades have always been above the average state level.

I took a few moments to throw myself a mental pity party and share how I would be losing that Mother of the Year Award, but ultimately we immediately got down to business and started focusing on the areas the teacher had recommended. She does her mom mandated 30 minutes of reading during the week nights, we study for every upcoming test, and we even do the extra credit challenges that are sent home. Her report card shows that she's improving, but I was shocked to see that the pretest had only progressed a couple of measly points.

There were 3 tests in total: Math, Reading/Language, and Social Studies and I just don't see how that's possible to get two sets of polar opposite results... And that's when I started to read the list of categories the test covered. Here's just a few of them that made me stop and go WTF:

• Knowledge of Language: I would really like to know how a kid who started telling me "Well actually mom..." when she was only 2 doesn't have a knowledge of language? I've had strangers literally make comments to me while we're standing in the grocery checkout line because they were amazed at the words that were coming out of her mouth (in a good way). Are they putting the tests in Latin now or something? I would love the opportunity to see what constitutes as their ideal knowledge of language.
• Production and Distribution of Writing: Are our 10 and 11 year old's publishing books in school now or something? How exactly does someone produce and distribute on a multiple choice test?
• Students will trace the historical periods, places, people, events, and movements that have led to the development of Indiana as a state: I don't recall anything about the history of Indiana ever being sent home for us to study. And believe me, with all the studying we've had to do, I would have noticed. 
• Read and interpret thematic maps: I don't even know what a thematic map is and you expect my 5th grader to know? Maybe if the kids actually had a Social Studies book I might be able to look it up and figure it out with her. 

In total, there are 4 pages all double sided with crap like this on it and I can't make heads or tails out of most of it. I know that they have to find a way to issue a broad test. There's never going to be a "one size fits all." But would it be too much to ask for the school to actually teach our kids the information before they start testing them on it?