Phase or Foreshadowing?

I have insisted for a very long time now that Lena will be the one and only biological child I will ever have. When she was younger, like 3 or 4, I really did want another one. The circumstances and the person that I was with at the time just were not right to venture into baby making territory. As time passed and she got older the idea of starting all over again from infancy just simply did not have the same appeal. Now that she'll be 11 in just 5 more weeks, the fact that I'm sorta feeling the baby bug lately just seems like all out insanity!

Ummmm... Maybe?

I'm not entirely sure who's Koolaid I accidentally drank, but I really think I picked up the wrong cup. This uninvited baby fever is making me feel several cards short of a deck right about now. I was so young when I had Lena, which honestly I think made me a better mom (I had the energy), and I've been looking forward to the fact that I will still be semi-young when she goes off to college. I have always had plans for when that time came.

I had a set idea on how the rest of my days would play out. Granted, I also thought I'd most likely be single for the rest of my child-bearing days as well. I never expected James to come into the picture and I certainly never expected that he'd be the kind of person I could see that sort of future with.

We dated a couple of times before and it just never worked out. When we entered into round 3 I found that he was a totally different person than what I remembered. See, I've known him for almost 8 years and after his divorce from Anne and Paige's mom he was a downright bitter and resentful person (not that I blame him, she did sleep with the neighbor). I could not handle all the negativity that he carried around with him and it just sort of fizzled out the first couple times. Since he learned to let go of his anger I've discovered that he's an amazing person. He certainly puts up with all my crazy antics and loves me despite the drama that comes in spades with my family. He knew what he was getting himself into and the fact that he didn't run screaming in terror from my mother sealed the deal on him being a keeper in my eyes.

It certainly doesn't hurt that he's a damn good father to both of his girls and mine either.

Now that we've been together over a year it has sparked an blitzkrieg from both our families. When are you getting married? When are you going to give me another grandchild? When, when, when??? Holy sh*t people, slow down! Speaking from two people both previously married and both previously divorced, neither one of us is in any particular hurry. We love each other and we will get there, but weddings are freaking expensive and damnit, I want a house more. Anne and Lena need to not share a room any longer than absolutely necessary for the sake of our sanity. We have plans, we have goals, and ultimately... We have a budget.

I have to admit though, since getting into the blogging community and seeing everyone else's babies that I'm feeling the long dormant yearning. When we went to Toys 'R Us today for Anne to spend her gift card, she wasn't the only one day dreaming about buying up half the store. We just happened to be browsing in a different section than her and Lena. While the two girls were drooling over the new DISNEY INFINITY Starter Pack Xbox 360 we were fantasizing about car seats, cribs, and the Lightning McQueen toddler bed.

I know how badly he wants another baby. He always planned to have more and the idea of trying for a boy is one that excites him to no end. It weighs on me that I'm the last hope for carrying on his family name sometimes and his mother certainly has no problem laying that one on thick every time we come over. His mom and his sister have already planned my baby shower, or at least that's what they told me a few weeks ago as they corned me in the kitchen with the when, when, when's.

But I don't feel it for their sake right now, I feel it for mine. Every time I see someone with a baby there is a huge part of me that is jealous. Usually I make myself think about everything that comes with it: lack of sleep, dirty diapers, bottles, baby bags, etc. And then... I think about the socks. Damn tiny baby socks, they get me every time. I just can't picture those itty bitty pieces of cotton and not melt.

Part of me is hoping this is just a phase that I'm going through and part of me is hoping I'm just crazy enough to do it.