The Best Presents End in Tears

It's been a very busy weekend around our house. Yesterday we celebrated Lena's, Paige's, and my sister Frissy's birthday with my family.

I have lots of photos from the party, which I will get around to putting up in the next couple of days. In the meantime though, I wanted to share our gift to my sister. My sister Frissy is an amazing person. When she was younger, she was the family wild child. However, she's long since grown out of her rebellious teen angst phase and transformed into one of the kindest, most responsible, and one of the hardest working people I know. I'm so proud of who she's grown into and I'm excited to see how she'll evolve in the years to come.

As you know, we're currently trying to purchase a home next summer, so the decision for the gift was certainly one James and I put some thought into. However, we both agreed that no one deserved it more than she did and he knows that she's always been my rock.

So we decided to contribute a piece to her upcoming wedding in August. Granted it's not even a dent in the cost to have 50 people at Brookfield Zoo sipping down cocktails with the dolphins, but we knew it would be a huge contribution anyway. We figured it would mean way more than a Starbucks gift card...

Surprise, She is Still Sweet!

I've been in a bit of a blogging lull this week. Truthfully, there's been nothing extremely eventful going on in the Nowhere household. The nice fall weather has faded away here in the Midwest this week and it's morphed into just plain cold speckled with frost. Cold weather makes us, me especially, a little lethargic. When I get up it's dark and now when I get home it's dark. Sorta puts a damper on my usual pep.

James has been working long hours and for the past couple days he's been out at my parent's house at night working on their car. My brilliant, but lost, youngest brother managed to back over something and drive the muffler up into the trunk. Talented right?? He finished the project of replacing it last night and I'm not sure who's more grateful... Him or my parents.

While he's been slaving away being a total sweetheart and helping out, I've been spending some quality bonding time with Lena. Mother daughter alone time is rare with a family of 5, so when the occasion arises I make the extra effort to really spend it focusing on her. Granted while most of it was centered around watching something on TV (again, we don't like cold and the couch blankie is our favorite), it was nice to be cuddled up with her and our spoiled rotten loved furries for several hours this week.

We also finally managed to get around to getting her costume. This went far better than expected. A few weeks back when we first started talking about potential ideas she had informed me she wanted to be "The Darkness." I love her to pieces, but sometimes she's just downright WEIRD!

Okay... So back to the pleasant costume surprise. As we browsed through the Halloween store, she loaded me up with plenty of creepy costumes: skeleton bride, dead cheerleader, bloody zombie.... AND...

I think I about fell over with joy when she chose not to be some terribly horrifying bloody dead creature! There really is a sweet child in there still... Somewhere.

I've been enjoying this sudden appearance this week of my sweet little girl. The one who doesn't want to be "The Darkness" and wants to cuddle up with her mommy. I'm pretty sure she's only here for a visit until she retreats back into her moody hormonal tween shell again, but I'll take what I can get when I can get it. Beggars can't be choosers right?

Lesson in Accepting Love for Love

It's a wonderful day here in vacation day land. Originally I scheduled today off because we were supposed to head down to Springfield with my aunts for a Marriage Equality rally. Sadly, my one aunt travels a lot for work and was sent back overseas again and my other aunt's dad is in the hospital right now so she just didn't feel up to traveling too far from him. I am disappointed that we aren't able to go, but I'm happy for a day all to myself.

I debated over the last two weeks when I found out our trip was not going to happen whether or not I should just cancel my day off and save it for later. I just couldn't bare to part with it though. Vacation days around my office are hard to get. See, we have a small office of 7 people and only one person is allowed to be off at a time. Since I'm second to last women on the totem pole and the other girls have been there long enough to amass an insane amount of vacation time, getting a day off is a precious commodity. Every holiday and possible long weekend is already slotted to them which makes finding a day to actually use mine rather difficult.

Day to myself aside, it worked out that we're not going because Lena has her first states test today. For the past week, we've been studying our butts off for this thing (see: There's an App for That!) I had planned to call her off school today, because I really believe that she would learn so much more at the rally than she would in a normal day of school. Typically, I'm an attendance Nazi and she better be damn near dying to stay home from school. Occasionally Once a year though, I will allow her a free day if I feel it will be educationally enriching. I let her play hookie on a Friday last year to go to the zoo with her Aunt Frissy. Activities like that will always hold more beneficial in my mind than the monotonous days of regurgitating the information they force feed our kids every day. Usually by the time she gets home from school she can't remember a dang thing they went over in class, but she can still tell me the diameter of a grizzly bear's paw and how much fish a dolphin eats in a day. If she retains more knowledge, I'm willing to let a day off school slide.

When my aunt first mentioned the March On Springfield trip, I already knew that it was something I wanted Lena to be a part of. I'm not overly political and I recognize that I could potentially be opening up Pandora's box here, but I am a huge supporter of Marriage Equality. My aunts are two of the most kind and brilliant women I know and the fact that they love each other is looked down upon literally makes me sick to my stomach.

A couple years ago, Illinois finally allowed "civil unions." While they're still not allowing it to be called "marriage" my aunts were allowed to be legally recognized as a couple. In my opinion, it was a major stride in the right direction. I remember getting the nervous phone call from them, because they wanted Lena to be their flower girl. I was completely in shock that they asked with a disclaimer of "We understand if you're not comfortable with the idea" before ever giving me the opportunity to answer. Of course she'll be in your wedding!!! Teaching Lena acceptance and loving people for who they are and not who you expect them to be has always been a major value in our household. I couldn't believe that they thought for even a moment that I would say no to this. It breaks my heart to think that they literally felt shame in asking us to stand with them and support the love they've been sharing for the past 20 years. Even though they know we love them, they were afraid of asking us to love them publicly. 

I've always been a supporter of allowing people to be who they are, but it was that moment, that phone call, when I really made the decision to be more out with my opinion. I have signed every petition that I've come across, I follow and support many LGBT social communities, I share their content, I have proudly worn the badge for equality during the times the issue has come up for vote, and most importantly I teach acceptance to my children. There is no promise that it will be granted during my lifetime, however if I instill the values into my girls maybe, just maybe, it will happen during theirs. Because honestly, there is nothing wrong with love...

I Am Just Lucky

Yesterday's Women's Car Care Clinic was a complete success. I just could not stop complimenting my partner in marketing last night because she really organized such an amazing event. We all had a hand in the planning, but she really did the bulk of it and deserves all the credit for it. I only organized the vendors and procured the items for the gift bags (Avon and Scentsy). She planned the stations, speakers, and so much more! It seemed that the ladies in attendance really enjoyed themselves and found it very informative as well. This my become a regular thing around Levin Tire and I was thrilled to be present for it.

I really am lucky. I know that sometimes I don't focus on that, but this morning I feel like my cup is pouring over with all the good things that I have in my life. All three of my children are still snug asleep in their beds right now. I peeked in on them this morning when I got up and I just can't help but glow with love for my three beautiful children.

At first I wasn't sure that Lena was in her bed though, see she went with my sister and brother-in-law yesterday to Six Flags Fright Fest as her upcoming birthday present and I was long in bed by the time she got home. (My sister has a key to my house, so I knew she'd let herself in.) As I tip-toed into Lena and Anne's room this morning, just to make sure she'd been returned, I saw Anne sprawled out in her bed like usual and reached a hand up into the top bunk to feel around for a body that I couldn't see. After a couple seconds of padding around the mountains of blankets I could feel legs, so I know she's good and comatose in her bed.

Yesterday really did work out perfectly schedule wise (I know, that never happens!) because Paige and I had to be to work at the same time. Usually it's a lot of extra driving to get her to work. Since they live 45 minutes from us, the weekends can get kind of hectic running kids back and forth. Hence, why we're planning the move over the upcoming summer. We left a little early so I could drop her off to her mom and still get to work at on time. I really do love spending time with Paige, her and I can talk for hours. She thinks of me as her mom and I think of her as my daughter even if it isn't officially on paper just yet. Her and I connected right from the start though, even before me and her dad were a couple and we stayed talking even during the times in between James and I being together. If you're a new reader, James has been around my family for 8 years, we'd dated a couple of times before now, but us being a serious couple didn't happen until a little over a year ago.

We finished the clinic around 8pm and Paige didn't get off work until 9pm, but it worked out perfect because afterward the Levin group went to grab food afterwards courtesy of one of our speakers/vendors. Thank you Matt from Stonewheel for the much needed dinner! My co-workers stayed at the restaurant to have a few drinks and while it would have been nice to stay I had to get Paige from work. I mentioned in yesterday's post about getting looked at as if I was a 3 headed dog when I say that I'm 30 with a 10 year old... Haha, you should have seen the looks when I said I had to get my 18 year old from work. I explained it of course, but I still don't think people grasp the story of the adoption sometimes.

Yesterday also provided Anne with some much needed daddy-daughter time. With Lena off with my sister and myself and Paige at work, Anne had her daddy all to herself. She was on cloud 9 with this! When we got home she was fast asleep curled up in his lap.

It really was a perfect day for all.

Phase or Foreshadowing?

I have insisted for a very long time now that Lena will be the one and only biological child I will ever have. When she was younger, like 3 or 4, I really did want another one. The circumstances and the person that I was with at the time just were not right to venture into baby making territory. As time passed and she got older the idea of starting all over again from infancy just simply did not have the same appeal. Now that she'll be 11 in just 5 more weeks, the fact that I'm sorta feeling the baby bug lately just seems like all out insanity!

Ummmm... Maybe?

I'm not entirely sure who's Koolaid I accidentally drank, but I really think I picked up the wrong cup. This uninvited baby fever is making me feel several cards short of a deck right about now. I was so young when I had Lena, which honestly I think made me a better mom (I had the energy), and I've been looking forward to the fact that I will still be semi-young when she goes off to college. I have always had plans for when that time came.

I had a set idea on how the rest of my days would play out. Granted, I also thought I'd most likely be single for the rest of my child-bearing days as well. I never expected James to come into the picture and I certainly never expected that he'd be the kind of person I could see that sort of future with.

We dated a couple of times before and it just never worked out. When we entered into round 3 I found that he was a totally different person than what I remembered. See, I've known him for almost 8 years and after his divorce from Anne and Paige's mom he was a downright bitter and resentful person (not that I blame him, she did sleep with the neighbor). I could not handle all the negativity that he carried around with him and it just sort of fizzled out the first couple times. Since he learned to let go of his anger I've discovered that he's an amazing person. He certainly puts up with all my crazy antics and loves me despite the drama that comes in spades with my family. He knew what he was getting himself into and the fact that he didn't run screaming in terror from my mother sealed the deal on him being a keeper in my eyes.

It certainly doesn't hurt that he's a damn good father to both of his girls and mine either.

Now that we've been together over a year it has sparked an blitzkrieg from both our families. When are you getting married? When are you going to give me another grandchild? When, when, when??? Holy sh*t people, slow down! Speaking from two people both previously married and both previously divorced, neither one of us is in any particular hurry. We love each other and we will get there, but weddings are freaking expensive and damnit, I want a house more. Anne and Lena need to not share a room any longer than absolutely necessary for the sake of our sanity. We have plans, we have goals, and ultimately... We have a budget.

I have to admit though, since getting into the blogging community and seeing everyone else's babies that I'm feeling the long dormant yearning. When we went to Toys 'R Us today for Anne to spend her gift card, she wasn't the only one day dreaming about buying up half the store. We just happened to be browsing in a different section than her and Lena. While the two girls were drooling over the new DISNEY INFINITY Starter Pack Xbox 360 we were fantasizing about car seats, cribs, and the Lightning McQueen toddler bed.

I know how badly he wants another baby. He always planned to have more and the idea of trying for a boy is one that excites him to no end. It weighs on me that I'm the last hope for carrying on his family name sometimes and his mother certainly has no problem laying that one on thick every time we come over. His mom and his sister have already planned my baby shower, or at least that's what they told me a few weeks ago as they corned me in the kitchen with the when, when, when's.

But I don't feel it for their sake right now, I feel it for mine. Every time I see someone with a baby there is a huge part of me that is jealous. Usually I make myself think about everything that comes with it: lack of sleep, dirty diapers, bottles, baby bags, etc. And then... I think about the socks. Damn tiny baby socks, they get me every time. I just can't picture those itty bitty pieces of cotton and not melt.

Part of me is hoping this is just a phase that I'm going through and part of me is hoping I'm just crazy enough to do it.

And Today We Remember...

While most people are remembering those that were lost on September 11th, my family is remembering the man who celebrated his last birthday that year. I know it's a day that I will certainly never forget, not because of the attack, but because it was the last time we celebrating my dad being alive. He turned 39 that year, far too young for it to be his last. My dad lost his battle with cancer only 5 months later.

My dad was an amazing man. Even though my parents split up when I was 2 he was always a constant part of my life. I was lucky enough for my parents to remain friends and always put me ahead of whatever they had going on between the two of them. My mom tells me that she used to call him and wish him "Happy not anniversary!" every year because they had gotten married on his birthday when they were 18.

As any typical child would be, I had wanted my parents to get back together. But I'm extremely grateful that they didn't. I ended up with two amazing step-parents when I was 9 and am thankful for it every day. The woman my dad would spend the rest of his days with did something that being with my mom never could have. It made him happy. He told me once that he had never believed in love at first sight until he met her. She's my mom just as much as my biological mom is. I have a brother and sister from their marriage (I have a lot more from my mom's second marriage) and I wish they would have gotten to know to know him the way that I did. I am grateful that I can actually remember him. I remember his laugh, I remember the foods that he loved, I remember this lessons he taught me and the things that he told me. I remember when he struggled with addiction and I remember the courage he had to ask for help and walk away from it because he love me more than anything else.

I make it a point to talk about him all the time when I'm with my siblings. They're pretty grown up now and I want them to know what an amazing person he was and how proud he would be of them. My mom has done a wonderful job raising them without him, but I will always wish they had been as lucky as I was. Happy birthday daddy and I love you!