Weigh In Wednesday Kick Off - My Promises to Myself

In an effort to curb some of my recent negative obsession with my weight, I have decided to make a contract with myself.

1. I will not set unrealistic expectations for myself: To sit here and say that I will never again order a pizza on a Friday night or saying that I will work out every. single. day. is just setting myself up for failure. I will commit to doing the best that I can at each moment. No more. No less.

2. I will learn to shut up: I got a rude awaking on Monday night that the way I see myself is negatively impacting my daughter. I will not be opening my mouth to put myself down anymore. I'm going to follow the old rule of "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." 

3. I will limit my posting about this subject to one day a week: Just like there is no reason to torment my children with this, there is also no reason to keep torturing the mom blogging community either. To date (not including this one) I have counted 9 posts on the subject since I started my blog this year. It's certainly not amusing me and I'm fairly certain it's not amusing anyone else either. I am more than just my weight and I want to make sure that I'm focusing on things I do like instead.

That being said, I will be doing a Weigh in Wednesday ONLY, to report my progress and my feelings on the subject.

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I had mentioned on Sunday's post that I officially decided that I needed to back on ACE. I'm happy to report that my order arrived Monday and I have been taking it for the past two days and am already getting results again. 

For the past few months, I've been working out here and there and also making a huge effort to be mindful of what and how much I eat. Despite the efforts I have been making though the scale wasn't budging even a pound. In the two days since I started back on the program, I am please to report that the scale finally moved!

Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

I'm so relieved to have the help of this product again. I loved it the last time and I'm falling in love with it all over again. I am not a believer in miracle pills and I know that nothing out there will do all the work for me, but ACE does help and I know from my past experience (see below) that I can't do this without it. 

Oh, I made one more decision too. I'm not just going to be a customer this time. I also volunteered to be a consultant for them because I believe in this product that much. If you're interested in learning more about it, please feel free to email at almost2nowhere@gmail.com or just click on the banner below and it will take you straight to the website.

How I See Myself is Damaging My Daughter

James and I have a nickname for Lena... Sonar. I swear that child hears literally everything. She can be in her room, with the TV on, while we're clear across the house, and all of a sudden she will chime in randomly to our conversations. We know that if we want to have any sort of private conversation that we had better go outside into the garage and most likely rev up the lawn mower, possibly while she's "sleeping," just to be on the safe side if we don't want her to ease drop on what we're saying.

Yet somehow, it never occurred to me to mask or filter out some of the things I say about myself. If you read my last post, then you know I've been feeling a little, um, self conscious lately.  Even when writing the post though, I admit that I carefully filtered out some of the harsher things I've been thinking (and saying) about myself as of late. Not once did it occur to me though that I should be applying that filter here in my own home.

Typically, we think of home as the place where we should be allowed to be ourselves. A place where we should be totally comfortable speaking our minds and being who we are without shame. I've always had the attitude that I won't pretend to be someone I'm not, but I think maybe I've let it "all hang out" just little too much in the past few months. And here's why...

Lena stood in the living room today and pulled out the waistband of her pants and told me straight faced "Mom, I think I'm losing a little weight. Look, I'm not as fat as I was before."

Excuse me, what???? 

Does this look like a fat kid to you? No? Me either!!! I blame some of this on my mother and her telling Lena a month ago that she needed to start being more girly because, and I quote, "Kids in middle school are mean and they'll call you a lesbian." I wish I was kidding about this, but I'm not. She's said the same thing to me plenty of times, but it was usually that I'm a fat lesbian (and people wonder why I have issues sometimes). Let's just say I had a not so nice little chat with Gramma....

That comment has kicked off a new concern for what other kids might think about what she wears and how her hair looks. I've been trying to help her work through that, but ultimately, that specific comment about her weight tonight is my fault. I've been talking about my own weight somewhat obsessively for the past few months and I've been in overdrive since I placed my order to get back on ACE. I did get my order today and honestly I'm excited, but I don't think I know I didn't present it in a positive way.

I don't remember what I said exactly, but I believe my comment was something along the lines of "Woo hoo it's here! Now I won't have to be such a fat ass."  Again, not word for word, but you get the point.

In the moment that my beautiful daughter stood there in front of me concerned because evidently she thinks she's fat, I started silently cussing myself out in my head. Here I've been trying to do damage control for my mother's comment to her and all the while I've been inflicting my own low self-esteem onto her while telling her as long as she's happy with herself than nothing else matters. Basically, I'm discrediting myself and in a way validating the bullshit that comes out of my mother's mouth. Fan-freaking-tastic!

While I can't instantaneously promise to see myself in a whole new light, I can promise not to open my trap anymore in front of Lena.

How I see and feel about this....

....will stay on here and only here.

I'm Going Back on ACE Weight Loss

I have always struggled with my weight. If you've been a reader of mine for a while, then you know over the past few months I have been trying to get it back under control again. I've tried Jillian Michaels - 30 Day Shred (personally I think she's a sadist),Wii Active Personal Trainer (my personal favorite), removing all junk food from the house, living off of Lean Cuisine meals, and even dragging my children out for a 2 mile walk in the snow and so far, I haven't lost a single freaking pound!

I came to the conclusion long ago that I have no natural metabolism. I'm not certain why that is, but I can tell you that every woman in my family (with the exception of one lucky sister) suffers from the same issue. We're all short and round. And we're not talking cute Pillsbury Dough Boy round, we're talking Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man round!

I have never wanted and/or expected to look like a Victoria's Secret model or anything, but I would prefer not to be out of breath while doing simple things like taking a walk around the block or switching loads of laundry.

A few years ago my cousin had started losing weight like crazy (again, we're all short and round in this family). We usually see her about once a month or so and the transformation that she had gone through in such a short amount of time got my attention really quick. Turns out, she had started taking a supplement called A.C.E. After seeing what it had done for her, I had her help me order some for myself as well.

After only 3 months of being on it I lost approximately 50 lbs! It helped give me the energy I needed to go out and do things and most importantly it helped control my appetite. I admit that I'm a binge eater. I will go most of the day without being hungry and then the moment I get bored, I look for something to eat and then end up consuming ridiculous amounts of crap that I should not be shoving in my face in the first place.

For the longest time I was doing well maintaining my weight without it. It had given me the jump-start I had needed and had gotten my body in habit of actually burning calories instead of storing them like a polar bear. I was active and I felt good in my own skin for the first time in forever! 

I've been off of it now for almost 3 years and in this last year the weight has gradually been creeping back on. But it wasn't until back in January when James made a comment about how I used to look better that it really hit me how badly I had let it spiral out of control again. That's when I had made the decision to get serious about it again and believe me, I have been trying, but nothing seems to be working at this point.

So this week, I decided it was time to go back to the one thing I have EVER found that works for me. I'm going back on A.C.E. because I need help. I just can't do this on my own and that's okay.

I Think HGTV is Telling Me I'm Fat

Since good TV doesn't came back officially until this weekend (i.e. Walking Dead) we've been browsing our On Demand for some filler shows in the meantime. We've been stuck on a week's worth of Love It or List It at the moment. Since we've been watching plenty of episodes I noticed that they seem to have the Jessica Simpson Weight Watchers commercial on repeat. I'm not sure if they pay a pretty penny to HGTV or if maybe they assume all of us DIY freaks out there are as fat as the houses we watch them renovate. 

Personally, I've looked into Weight Watchers plenty of times. I think the first time I looked at the program was after I read Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound at a Time a couple years back. If I recall she did Jenny Craig actually, but I don't suppose that's either here nor there. The idea of these kinds of programs is absolutely wonderful in theory. They assist people like myself in making smarter choices and portion control. I buy their microwave meals all the time to take with my to lunch at work. However they don't have any practical application in the Nowhere household as a whole.

 For starters, I don't like cooking. I do it. Under protest. If there is a way to get out of it, I will. At least when our budget allows me to anyway. Second, with three kids there is no such thing as "cooking small." Between the 5 of us we have a huge spectrum of appetites that need to be accommodated at any given meal. James and Paige have a rather hefty ability to consume insane amounts of food in one sitting. Since they're blessed with a metabolism that's all well and fine for them. Myself and the 2 younger girls were not so lucky. I have to constantly stay on top of what we eat and how much of it is allowed. Most meals we have to cut Anne off before she feels finished. "No, I'm sorry, but you cannot have a 4th pancake." This can be extremely difficult when I have to prepare enough food to feed an army at any given time. Finally, I hate throwing away food! Since most leftovers give me a bad case of the squeams (if your grandmother horded food and tried to feed you a turkey from a place that burnt down 5 years before you'd have food issues too) I don't really save a whole lot of what I make for later. We either eat it or it ends up in the trash.

I think programs like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig could make an absolute killing if they started offering a family program. If it was possible to sign up your entire household as a single group and input information about each individual and then guide me on what and how much to make for each person that would get me to sign up immediately. If you think about it, us moms already have a to-do list that never seems to end. How much easier would it be to lose weight this way? I know I would fork over my money without thinking twice if I could pre-purchase an entire family sized meal that I only have to heat and serve.

What about you?

Anyone Wanna Be My Buddy??

Monday marked the beginning of a new journey in our household thanks to Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol and his question about "Ask yourself, are you within 5% of your first date weight?" Thus far, I've been doing pretty good the past couple of days. Or at least I think so...

1. I have not had a single bowl of ice cream. That's a pretty monumental event for me. Ice cream is simply part of my nighttime routine. Get home, change, make dinner, homework, shower, tuck in... ICE CREAM! Even though we still have one of those gallon sized tubs screaming my name from the freezer, I have managed to ignore it.

2. I actually went out and bought some Lean Cuisine meals to take to work for lunch. I will say, there's nothing like a Lean Cuisine to make you suddenly start day dreaming about cookies (or ice cream), but I figure I can't really screw up the "healthier choice" factor if it's pre-made for me. Coincidentally, I also purchased some organic noodles, green pepper, and green onions to use when making last nights dinner. This may not seem foreign to some people, but believe me, Lena thinks I've been abducted by aliens right now.

3. I've started researching recipes (thank you Pinterest) that I can make that go outside my "normal" dinner menu. I'm a pretty big supporter of the chicken nuggets folks, but they will no longer be on the menu. I suspect the children will last about a week before they revolt and you see the missing person news broadcast.

I have yet to...

4. Start establishing a workout routine. My sister offered to add me to her gym membership, but getting to the gym still currently seems next to impossible. I don't get home until 6pm and by that time I have things that need to be accomplished (see #1 above, please exclude the ice cream). I do have the Wii and a couple workout games to go with it, but I haven't figured out how to pry the big TV away from James just yet.

5. Step on the scale. I probably need to do that to see what I'm starting with here. I know when I mentioned it back in October I started using the My Fitness Pal app for iPhone, but it could certainly use a bit of an update. If anyone is currently using the app, please leave me a comment with your username or add me on there so we can link up! Maybe getting some friends on there will help kick my ass into gear lend a little more encouragement. As you can see, I only have 4 friends on there right now and most of them haven't logged in anytime recently. They do say it works better with a buddy right?

Something else I've noticed though... James hasn't done anything yet. After his bedtime outburst that he's had enough and he'll be joining a gym this week (which I support) and his comment about how I used to look much better before, he hasn't made a single effort. I know for a fact that he's gotten off work on time the last 2 days (3:30) and that when I got home he was sitting comfortably on the couch watching TV. Part of me wanted to throw something at his head last night for it, but I know that I can't force him to do it if he really doesn't want to. Not to mention it would be like the pot calling the kettle black here, because I've said it plenty of times and done exactly that.

For now, I'll just be proud of me and continue to take it one day at a time. That's all I really can do and I'm okay with that.

Ask Yourself, Are You Within 5% of Your First Date Weight?

I'm sitting here eating my last few slices of left over pizza today that we'll be having for a while. Since James had surgery on his shoulder back in May he's been feeling extremely anxious about his body and the physical limitations that the surgery resulted in for him. He's always been a sports nut for as long as I've known him: baseball, racket ball, flag football, etc. Regardless of the season he's always been active in something. Since they literally had to cut away pieces of his muscle, the doctor told him it would be a year at least before he'll be able to be fully active again like he's used to.

In the beginning it was just annoying for him. Since he was still in pain for a while though, there wasn't this strong desire to run out and jump right back into something right away. As the months have passed by, the pain has gone away, the anxiety has started to build, and he's reached his breaking point. He talks constantly about how much he misses playing sports and that he's really unhappy with the amount of weight he's gained. Personally, I still think he looks great and he's certainly nowhere near fat. In fact, he's only about 5 pounds over ideal weight according to the physical he just had last month. For him though, it's a really big deal. He says he feels huge and he's tired of constantly being, well, tired.

We introduced Paige this weekend to Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol (which is by far the most hilarious comedy skit on the planet) and it evidently snapped the final straw for James. Christopher Titus asks the audience if things are not as "hot" as they used to be. Then he asks you to honestly ask yourself if you're within 5% of your first date weight. "Now, you can get mad at that OR you can get a treadmill. Up to you!"

If I'm being totally honest, things are not as hot as they used to be. We've been struggling for several months now because quit frankly, he has no sex drive and it's making me absolutely insane! Everything else in our relationship is great. We don't really fight, we have 3 happy healthy kids, and I'm still crazy in love with him. Probably more now than I was when I first fell for him. I've tried just about everything... Romantic candlelight room, sexy jammies, massage, hell, I even went and got him a testosterone booster from the Lion's Den... Nothing has improved. As we were going to bed after the skit, he mentioned that he's going to find a gym this week because he's done feeling like this. What it comes down to is that he doesn't feel sexy even though I think he is and that's killing it for him.

I fully support the idea of him doing some strength training to get his shoulder back where it needs to be. He's not really ready to be swinging a bat just yet, but I think he could handle slowly building up that muscle again without doing any damage. But this decision of course sparked another comment from him about my weight. I fully recognize that I'm not within that 5% mark of our first date weight this time around. I am however exactly the weight I was the first time we dated several years ago. This last time, when we'd first started dating I had just left 3 years working as an assistant manager at a Brazilian Steakhouse. I was the thinnest I'd ever been. Granted, I was also running on nothing besides salad, steak, and enough caffeine to power a small country. While I was thin, I constantly felt like garbage. Mostly due to severe sleep deprivation.

His comment though, was "Well, you did look better." Which went off like an atomic bomb in my head. He's been claiming for months that it's just the way he feels about himself as to why we're not as active as before. That one little comment however tells me that it's also that his attraction to me on a physical level has diminished. It stung like hell to hear, but if I'm being honest with myself, I can understand where the comment came from. I had posted back in October that there would be no more excuses, which by the way didn't happen. But if I learned anything this weekend, it's that I really need to stick to that and do something about it. I don't want to be his roommate, I want more than that, and if that's how we get back there then I'm all in!

No More Excuses

My alone time is coming to an end sadly. I have about 20 minutes before Lena gets home from school and my "me day" is officially closed. ::sigh::

I caught up on all my blog reading, watched my shows that have been stacking up on the DVR, talked to my step-mom for over an hour on the phone, and while I originally said I wasn't going to get out of my jammies... I did. As I sat on my couch vegging out to Revenge, I decided that the Wii has been sitting in the living room for over a week and I had yet to touch it.

After waiting so long to see it restored and using the excuse of it being in the kids room for a serious lack of motivation on my part, I figured I should take today's opportunity to do what I've been avoiding. Frankly, I need to stop making excuses and get my ass off the couch. I kept insisting that the Wii would provide me a semi embarrassment free way to work out. That part is true, but I no longer have the excuse of it being in the girls' room to not to use it.

I tried several months back to do the 30 Day Shred and I'm sorry, but my out of shape fat ass just wasn't ready to start out that way. I'm a wuss and will be the first one to admit I'll give up almost immediately if I'm in even an ounce of pain. I know this about myself and I accept it. However, EA Active is really low pressure and a great way to begin if you're a flake like me when it comes to exercise.

So I sucked it up today and started the 6 Week Challenge again. I know it's a program I'm capable of following. I just sorta stopped following it and ended up gaining back everything I lost a couple years ago. Guess it's a good thing I never tossed out my fat girl pants huh?

I added a ticker to my right side bar. If you don't see it counting, please feel free to harass me about. Ah, well, here we go again....

And so I begin... Again.

I Know When to Admit Defeat

Well, I confess, 30 Day Shred lasted about a whole 5 days. When I reached the point of not being able to sleep through the night because it hurt too much, I called it off. Previously I'd used A.C.E. Appetite Control and Energy supplement and lost about 50 pounds using it without really having to do much work. This time I had wanted to take the higher road and say that I earned the loss of those 15 pounds that I've tacked back on, but I had to face reality... Working out until I can't lift my arms above my head, well, that just isn't me. I have never cared about being toned and it appears I still don't. So I broke down and ordered it again. Oh well!

Other than that, there isn't much going on over here this week. The weekend was finally nice and quiet. We spent it watching all of Season 1 of Game of Thrones and doing laundry. My kind of weekend really. Hope all is well with you lovely ladies out there.

Day 1 Down - 29 To Go

After James left for work at 5am this morning I started 30 Day Shred. Yes, I know I purchased it Friday, but I may have failed to mention that I am a Class A procrastinator at times. Not to mention the fact that I don't particular want people watching me jump around the living room like a spastic Weeble. And believe me, with my glorious lack of flexibility, I certainly looked like one.

It wasn't really that difficult overall. Granted, I didn't listen as she told me I wasn't allowed to stop and do basic things like, oh I dunno BREATHE! I paused her peppy "keeping going, don't stop" and allowed myself a swig of water a couple times. I also have to say that she didn't take into account any women over a size A cup and that there should be warning label advising you that two or maybe even three sport bras must be warn at all times in order to avoid inconvenient things like black eyes or loss of one's nipples.

I'm determined to keep at this and maybe after a week or so I won't be gasping for air like Nemo laying there on the dentist's sink after Darla shook his brains around. I will however be investing in some duct tape for good measure on my way home though.

I'm Claiming Temporary Insanity

I've been claiming for months now that I'm going to do something about the weight that I've put on since taking a full time desk job. Before I was managing a restaurant, mostly office work, but also organizing banquets, hauling tables, greeting/seating guests, etc. It involved a LOT of running around, heavy lifting, and up and down stairs several times a day. Now... Not so much.

We have been planning a trip to Key Lime Cove since November, because we wanted to give the kids a trip for Christmas (who are we kidding, we wanted a vacation too). After careful research we decided what better gift than a weekend away at this water filled (most likely bacteria infested) wonderland!

We have tried to schedule a date several times over the past couple months, but life just kept getting in the way. Finally we settled on March 15th and booked it. No matter what life throws our way we're going. It set in stone. No ifs ands or buts about it!

This means, I have exactly 30 days to be bathing suit ready, which is what kicked off this whole crazy idea. I'm going to be sore and most likely resentful towards that skinny bitch Jillian Michaels, but (if I don't end up a corpse on my living room floor first) I will be thankful that I did this I'm sure.

When I get off work today I will go home and let the Wii Fit seriously massacre any self esteem I may potentially have, since it will most likely inflate my poor little Mii to cosmic proportions, so I can keep track of my progress over the next 30 days. Wish me luck!