I'm Just So... Tired

I should have been in bed a long time ago. Typically by the time 10pm rolls around, I am just barely functioning. Yet, tonight, I find that I'm not the least bit tired. I'm already fully aware that when my alarm goes off in the morning I will be addressing it with a heavy hand and several expletives, but I don't feel much like laying there tossing and turning at the moment.

It was just one of those hard day. You know the kind where you wish desperately that you could just bury your head in the sand and pretend that the world around you doesn't exist? I started out on the wrong side of the bed this morning and proceeded to stay there the remainder of the day. It certainly did not help that my boss was in a debating sort of mood and that we keep going round and round on the same project for weeks now. He's constantly changing his mind on the functionality of the spreadsheet we're working with and I'm sorry, but you can only redo it so many times before you start feeling a little frazzled.

It's not just that though. I've been feeling anxious for months. It's strange, because I have always loved being a working woman and I have fought long and hard to get where I am... But lately, my heart just isn't in it. I have a great job and I should not be complaining about it, but I can't seem to get straight with working lately. My mother tried for years to convince me to not work, to live with her, to stay home and be with Lena. I always sort of despised the fact that she didn't work once we were all old enough and in school. She could have gotten a job, or at least I always thought she could. But I'm starting to understand just how tricky it is to keep balancing it all.

Point blank, I'm tired. I'm not entirely sure when or how I lost my drive to be a corporate woman with a fancy title. It always seemed so important in the past. I always felt like I had to prove something to myself and to others. That I didn't need to have finished college to be smart and support my daughter. I always felt that I was setting the right example for my daughter to be independent and to have a great work ethic. Those are the values my father instilled in me growing up and I have always felt it was important to teach Lena the same values. Honestly, I still believe those are the right things to teach her. Even knowing that and believing that, I have still lost some of my go-get-'um gusto and I'm not entirely sure how to get it back.

 There has been no time at all to just relax and enjoy the kids either. Every weekend is booked ahead of time with multiple family obligations. Last weekend we had a family party to celebrate birthdays, this weekend we're celebrating the same birthdays with the other half of my family which requires a 2 hour trip both ways up north, and the weekend following that we're celebrating family birthdays and Thanksgiving with James' family before his brother-in-law goes in for his surgery. My house is a mess, Lena is behind in reading, there is no free weekend in sight, we didn't even get to carve pumpkins this year, and I feel like there is literally no time to just breathe.

I know that James is feeling the pressure too. He was passed out on the couch by 8:15 tonight and was completely dead to the world. Lena even tried waking him up, but he didn't budge. I give him a serious amount of credit though, he's under just as much pressure as I am and yet he doesn't let it get the best of him. He's been Mr. Glass Half Full and he keeps reminding me that it will get better when we move. Our commute to and from work and to and from his kids is killing us. We both work 50 minutes away from our home and coincidentally Anne and Paige live in the town between our jobs. When you add in Anne's softball schedule and Paige's work schedule we're making the trip to and from 7 days a week and on some days, more than once. He's convinced that when we move closer this upcoming summer that a lot of the anxiety I'm feeling will melt away.

All I can do is hope he's right. And he very well might be. He knows that a lot of my recent stress is the distance from Lena during the day and not being able to be present for the small things like lunch at school. When I first moved to Indiana I was only 15 minutes away from her and my boss was supportive and understanding if I needed to take an extended lunch or leave early every now and then. I was heart broken when the company was sold, but I didn't really feel the full effect. It was different when my mom was a couple blocks away, I never worried or thought about the distance really. Now that she's not there, it's constantly on the forefront of my mind.

I am trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps, because I know that I'm doing the right thing. But sometimes, you just don't want to.